Dear Buck,
I have a musical question? I listen to a AM radio station that plays sweet ass "Country & Western" music that makes my heart go pitter-patter like the raindrops in the hog trough. Now I was listenin' to my favorite Hank Williams song and some booger started in with this rap bullshit! Now this violates our basic Human Rights, the Constitution, Betty Cocker & the Cartoon Section in Hustler!! Now what's this world coming to? I want my gawddamn "country & western". If you combine "country" & "rap" don'tcha end up with . . . "CRAP?"

Appreciate your comments,
Chuck Bob Beaudean

Dear Chuck Bob,
While I completely agree with your position in this matter, I should point out that if you mix Country Western with Rap you would technically get CWAP.  Which, of course, brings to mind another musical collision that has historical significance.  Remember when Elmer Fudd broke away from his normal broadway renditions and tried his hands at R&B when he covered The Pointer Sisters song "Fire".  (who could forget...."Im dwivin in my caaaaahhh... I tuwn on da wadio........".   Sheer Brilliance Doc.  As you can tell, Bucks musical knowledge is vast and great, to say the least.
Similar attempts to mix musical genre's have been in common for years.  Pat Boone did heavy metal classics just a few short years ago.  And Paul Anka's take on Soundgarden was simply astounding.
But I Digress....
 Because the results here are simple.  Country Music really sucks.  Rap Music really sucks.  Therefore the ONLY result you can hope for is something is something that really REALLY sucks.  Which is what you got.  No surprises here.
Do yourself a favor and listen to the Black Crowes, that will remind you of how cool music can actually be when different genre's are mixed properly.
Obviously Country and Rap cannot go together.  Nobody looks gangster wearing Wranglers, and cowboys could never jump on their horse with their pants falling halfway down their ass.  Could you take a brother seriously if he met you ina dark ally and said "yo, I'm gonna pop a cap in your ass Y'all".   Of course not.  And I can't imagine how fast you would get your ass kicked in a saloon for asking for Couvasier in a dirty glass.  Little light in the heels their fella?
So some things should never be joined together.... because all you get is a musical piece of Cwap.
Buckster is right YET again.
Bye for now..... thanks for playin.

Buck

Buckster,
What is the difference between a White Hole and a Black Hole?
Hope you can help!
Czar

Czar,
Of course the Buckster can help.  Thats why I'm here.
In my experience I have found that the difference can vary depending on location in the galaxy,
But  the difference usually averages about $80.00 per hour.
Thanks for asking

Buck

Dear Buck,
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
I'm really curious.
Arthur, King Of The Britons 


Arthur,
It depends on the swallow.  For instance, this one goes to eleven.
(oh shit, wrong movie)
Wait.... is it a European Swallow?
Sorry, there is such a fine line between clever and stupid

Buck

Dear Mr. Buck Weezer,

I heard that In The Red is breaking up. How come?? I'm going to miss seeing you guys. Do you know how much longer we all have to see In The Red play?? Is there a personal conflict? Is one of the guys moving? What's the deal?

Worried Westsider 


Dear Worried Westsider, 

This persistent rumor pops up from time to time in various forms, and to this reporters knowledge, it is completely unfounded.  Recent variations to the story include a pending sex-change operations (because Drumzilla is CONVINCED he is a lesbian), Guitar Hero 3 Vanishing Acts (because Drumzilla is CONVINCED he is a guitar player) and arguements over set lists, songs, and musical direction (because Drumzilla is CONVINCED he is always right).
But fear not my little Redlet, the entity that is ITR is made up of many members, some of which can be bigger members than others, but always with an equal say.  They are used to Drumzilla and put up with his shit anyway.  And if you can deal with that guy, you can put up with nearly anything.
The real question is how come you haven't figured out that NOTHING this band says is even remotely connected to anything truthful.  You need to get your head examined if you put stock into ANYTHING these guys say.  Trust me.

Thanks for your concern about the band.  They appreciate it, and are intact as we speak.

Now if you will excuse me,, I have to go prepare a clean Urine Sample for a job interview.

Buck

Dear Buck,

I was talking to Phalex at River City, and the subject of his rather unique name came up. He said the name Phalex referred to the fact that he was merely an extension of Drumzilla's penis. I smiled and nodded my head like I understood what he was talking about, but I must confess that I am very confused. Can you explain what he meant?? What is it that Drumzilla is compensating for that makes him feel he needs such a big bass player??

Signed, confused in GR 

Dear Confused in GR,
Of course you are confused.  Anyone who engages in a conversation with Phalex usually walks away with that "doe in the headlights" look on their face, and more often than not, a migraine.  But your question does require explanation.  Unlike most people, Drumzilla is not necessarily obsessed with the size of his penis.  He's met enough people who have such an obsession with the size of their own penis that it would take over their entire personality, and turn them into one big dick.  He doesn't like them much.  To the contrary, the truth of the matter is that Drumzilla simply wanted something that would REFLECT the size of a different part of his anatomy.  After a long and hard search (pun intended) he came upon (don't even go there) Phalex VonPorklipps (see Phalexs bio for a detailed account of said meeting) while doing some time in the joint.  What he found was a perfect match.  Phalex is large, beefy, and in some ways overbearring.  A perfect reflection of Drumzillas most favorite appendage.  His ego.

 Thanks for playing,

Buck

Buck,

I saw in the red at the River City Saloon a few weeks ago. What is the deal with all the bare naked boobies on the dance floor? It can't be the rock solid rhythm section of Drumzilla & Phalex, Blancos' magic fingers, or the manly girth of Laroq. What in the world causes these ladies to rip off blouses and expose themselves in front of this band?

Ms Confused??? 


Ms. Confused,

The question you ask has perplexed many over the years, not to mentioned pissed off most of the wive/girlfriends of the group.  No doubt the combination you mentioned has much to do with it.  A womans senses are so overwhelmed with the raw sexual power that oozes from the stage while these boys bring forth their art, it awakens the most animalistic of instincts within the loins of even the most innocent of the fairer sex.  As Nigel Tufnel once stated, "They come out with Armadillo's in their trousers, I mean its really quite frightening".
However, perhaps most of the reaction is caused by the subliminal tapes used during live performance of this band.  While none of them would ever allow an actual instrument to be dubbed in along side their live music, it is not beyond their highly sexed imaginations to use other means of mental munipulation to encourage such behavior.  While the actual tapes are not readily available, next time you see the band, listen closely to the quieted Gregarian Chant subtly urging women to "drop trou" or "let them babies loose" interspersed throughout the musical presentation.  You can't really BLAME them for this.  God knows they don't do this for the money.  Also, there are rumours that the more flashing that occurs, the more free drinks the band gets.  So, in conclusion, feel free to help the boys out.

Buck Weezer
co-instigator

Dear Buck,

I am kind of new to the In The Red website. The band is really good, and I figured I'd look them up on line. I'm a little confused by you and your brother Dirk.
You are both featured fairly prominently on the website, but in all the time I've been going to see the band, I think I've seen you once, and I don't believe I've ever seen Dirk at all. How do you rate a column on their site?? Neither one of you two even seem to like the band. What gives??

Just sign me,
Groupy Girl 

Dear Groupy Girl,
It is understandable that you would have such difficulty in understanding the complexities of the relationship between my brother and I and the band In The Red, especially since you are a female and its not related to dishes, diapers, or exciting dessert recipies.  These are probably all very confusing concepts for your brain.  But I will help you out best I can, and I will try to use words with less than 8 letters.  First, I am a reporter and I have been reviewing In The Red in their various forms for many years.  I don't DISLIKE them per se, I just happen to think they are a bunch of untalented hacks hiding behind the haze of alcohol induced euphoria they force upon the people that come to see them.  Do you think that jagerbomb thing is an accident?  Its part of the game that makes you think they are good (not to mention the backwards masking and subliminal messages imbedded into their live show).  But since none of them have the mental capacity to do anything besides talk about oral sex, liquid jewelry, and cartoons, I humbley offered to be part of the website in order to save the lives of the unwitting minions who blindly follow them.
Secondly, Dirk and some members of ITR have a long history together and he comes onstage whenever he is not touring with his main gig, TROLLSNOT.  However, Drumzilla and Dirk, who used to be writing partners years ago,  had a falling out and rarely, if ever speak to one another.  But since Dirk still has the hots for Phalexs cousin, he shows up despite his intense dislike for the pathetic drummer known as "Drumzilla".       
So now you know......The rest of the story

BUCK

Dear Buck,

The other night my girlfriend and I were driving back from Grand Haven when she got pulled over for some sort of "traffic violation". I knew it was going to go badly, seeing as how we were in Ottawa county, and I have heard nothing but horror stories from my friends about being pulled over in OC. I told her to just be respectful, take the ticket and hopefully we would be free to go. (We were coming from the bar.)
To my amazement, when the officer approached the car she starts crying and begging him not to give her a ticket. I swear she was even pushing her breasts together with her right arm as she leaned out the window.
The officer ended up letting us go without even so much as a warning!!

I'm grateful that she was able to talk her way out of a ticket, but it pisses me off that I would have been unable to do the same thing in the same situation.
Do you have any advice for all of us men (and unattractive females) as to how we can best avoid getting tickets and or breathalizer tests when we get pulled over for so called "Traffic Violations"? 

Your Friend,
Al Scezwick

Al,
The many injustices of the supposed fairness of the sexes is often exposed in situations such as this.  In the big picture these things usually balance out ( I.E. women hold the power for sexual activity, yet they had to FIGHT for the right to vote ) But that doesn't do much good when you're faced with a healthy fine, or worse yet, a DUI.  Now personally, Buck prefers to take the bus because odds are I won't be the one who dies if there are 30 other people riding with me, besides, I can't fold a map to save my life.  However, my older and much cooler brother Dirk has lots of experience with these protectors of our society.  Long ago Dirk realized two things.  One of them is an alternative use of the "R" slot on the gear shift.  Dirk found that by allowing the officer to exit the vehicle and then putting the car in REVERSE he could get enough speed up to slam into the front of the policemans vehicle causing the airbags to deploy.  Which leads us to fact Number Two.  You can't drive your car with airbags in your face.  Then Dirk could safely drive away and make his escape.  Of course, Dirk only did this with Male police officers, females were usually so taken with his charm and striking good looks that he would just boink them silly in the back of their car.  This also would often result in the deployment of the airbags at which point Dirk would make his getaway in the aforementioned manner.
So as you can see, once again, ingenuity evens the odds between the sexes.
  
Buck

Dearest Buck,

I am your biggest fan. I think you are the sexiest man on the face of the earth! I go to all of the "In The Red" shows (between my "Hooters" job and dancing at the strip club) in the hopes that you will be there. If I ever have the good fortune to meet you, I don't think I could control myself. I would strip naked, mount your 105lb body on the dance floor, dangle my silky full blonde hair in your face and rub my perfect Double D breast all over your slick, oily hair. And OH MY GAWD!! What I could do with that OVERBITE you have...AHHHH!

OH BUCK don't keep me waiting in lust for you any longer, I've got to have you NOW....OH BUCK!!!!!

Wet Pamela
and her sister too 

Dearest Pamela (and sister),
I fully understand and appreciate your unadulterated lust towards me.  It happens often in our topsy turvy world where two souls can become so obsessed with one another that the very thought of them causes physical reactions that seem uncontrollable.  In fact, I too was in the same state of mind the first time I saw "Star-Trek" on television.  What you need to understand, however, is that its not ME that you love, but its my intellect and helpful nature.  You are experiencing what is called the "Florence Nightengale" effect.  This is a deep psychological need to show ones appreciation for the help and nuturing that comes from someone in my position.  Florence Nightengale was a nurse and many of her patients expressed a deeply profound love for her, but it was based on the fact that she cared for them and nursed them back to health.  It had nothing to do with the late night visits, naked sponge baths, or stress relieving fellatio she performed on a regular basis (or at least, thats what she did in the DVD documentary I saw on her life.)  So it would be completely irresponsible of me to take advantage of those feelings you have and allow you to rub your silky DD's on me, or to, uhm.... welll...
dance seductively near me or... uhm... strip naked and uhm...... uhh....

The Hell with Florence, whats your phone number?

 Dear Buck,
I am upset about the way the In The Red members refer to their wives/girlfriends as "Lazy Band Ho's".  I find this to be very disrespectful to women and I am surprised that the girls who are talked about in this fashion put up with such terrible treatment.  Please let them know that it is VERY offensive the the female followers of ITR and we would appreciate it if they would not use such reprehensible terminology in the future.Thank you,

Jennifer K
Soho, NY

Dear Jennifer K,
I am sure the aforementioned ladies appreciate your concern and commitment to womans rights and respect.  However, you should probably know that the term itself, "Lazy Band Ho", was actually the creation of those same ladies who you are so worried about.  It was their subtle way of letting the band members know that there was no way in hell they were going to be getting off of their lovely asses and moving one piece of equipment.  To the contrary, they were going to continue sharing gossip, exchanging dinner recipe's and providing household cleaning tips (like a good woman should.) until it was time to vacate the premesis.  This was the ONLY time the term was to be used without VIOLENT repercussions.  History shows that this is not a new phenomenon.  Even the Bucksters ex-girlfriend continually altered her name during intimate moments, preferring to be called "Frigid Bitch".  Any other use of the name, or derivative thereof, would often result in  painful testicular trauma that would cause temporary blindness and projectile vomiting.   I asked my older and much cooler brother Dirk Weezer about this, and he replied  "Well there you go, this is what happens when you let them out of the kitchen into the real world".
So anyways, thanks for the letter, and oh yeah, while you are up.... get me a beer.

Your master,
Buck

EDITORIAL NOTE FROM ACTUAL ITR BAND MEMBER
Hey Buck!

I felt compelled to elaborate on Jennifer K's concern about the use of the term, "Lazy Band Ho's" by the ITR members. She is obviously unfamiliar with the history behind the development of this statement.
Actually, the term is used by the ITR members as a statement of great respect, admiration and endearment of the strong will and upright character of the ITR girlfriends and wives.
As you stated, the term was conceived by the ITR females as a code to replace such comments as:

1)"No f--king way am I moving that!"
2)"Not a snowballs chance in hell will I do that!"
3)"Put that thought right out of your head, a--hole!"

And the all encompassing:
4)"You can stick that thought right up your sorry a-s!"

As you can plainly see these aforementioned statements would often times raise the eyebrows of many bar patrons. So out of the concern for our ongoing employment in these establishments (and our self-esteem) the ITR females in their great wisdom invented the subliminal term, "Lazy Band HO's". Emphasis on the "HO's".  So, by using this statement we address two concerns:

1) It guarantees ITR's continued employment in the establishments we appear.
2) It eliminates the risk of additional workers compensation claims in the event that they become injured moving heavy band gear.
So the ITR members show their appreciation for the love and care the ITR girlfriends and wives have for them by referring to them as "Lazy Band HO's." 

So, if you see an ITR member sweating and having difficulty moving heavy band gear into or out of the establishment while the ITR females are having another round of drinks and enjoying each others company, you may hear an ITR member call them "Lazy Band HO's", because in a sense we just effectively told ourselves to stick any thoughts we may have "UP OUR OWN ASS!"  

Thank you for your support BUCK!

Blanco
Protecting my own Testicles
 

Weezer, 
You're advice about playing the kazoo on "Wipe Out" was a total f--k up. I'm going to keep doing the lalala's. So what if my tongue get's a cramp and I slur, the ladies don't complain. So take your kazoo and cram it up your silly gay butt hole and I don't wanna have to tell you again to STOP TOUCHING ME!!!

Blanco 

Dear Assbag,
How dare you try and blame me for your obvious incompetence on complicated instruments like the Kazoo.  The idea wasn't what was wrong, it was the execution of the idea where things fell apart.  Sure, you go ahead and stay in your own little world thinking youre all that, but the reality is, you don't have what it takes to become the ZEN Kazoo Master, which means you will never be able to realize your dream of a duet with Zamfir, KING of the Pan Flute.  thats whats REALLY eating at you isn't it.  ISN'T IT!!!!!  ANSWER ME!!!!

You're a pansy.

Buck
PS: I wasn't touching you, I was wiping a booger off your sleeve.  Don't flatter yourself.

Dear Buck,
I have a problem with a member of "the band". It seems that everytime I go see In the Red, I get really drunk and then have very bad rectal bleeding for days. I get along with the band just fine but the bass player tends to get me drunk and then always wants me to "help him move a couch in the back of his van". I dont mind helping out a friend but next thing i know, i wake up with a swollen sphincter. I dont know if its a coincidence but just keep an eye out for this guy. oh and one more thing, can you find out why the bass player likes to keep saying over and over..."it rubs the lotion on the skin..." it kinda freaks me out....sorta. 


Dear Anonymous Latent Closet Homo, 
Apparently you have misunderstood the purpose of this forum.  This is designed as a means of giving back to the community and offering help to the masses.  This is NOT a forum for you to spew your sickening sexual fantasies about the band nor its individual members...   Or their individual members for that matter.  Now, about that rectal bleeding problem?  Heres a thought,,, try pulling your head out of your ass.  Im sure that will go a long way in clearing that up.  And then can take your "whacking fodder" and go post on the"Glasshouse" website.  Those guys are WAY cuter than In The Red anyway.

Buck

 My Buick Electra is due for an oil change pretty soon. What do you think of these 15,000 mile oils? Is it worth the extra money?

Zack Nelson 

 The Buckster only puts NEW oil in his cars. 

Mr Weezer: 
“There have been rumors circulating for years that one or more of the band members may, or may not be homosexual. Would you care to put the speculation to bed, or should we just assume……?” 

Curious (with a sling at the ready),

          Ace & Gary

 Ace and Gary,
Well boys, I’ve heard the rumors as well, and after spending 4 years with the guys on stage, backstage, on the dance floor, in the shower, and in various dark corners of seedy dives all over the midwest, I can definitely say that that one or more of the members most assuredly may or may not .........  Hey!! are you going to finish your Danish??” 

Not the gay one,
         Buck

 Dear Mr. Weezer,

My mom says In The Red are full of washed up Rock Star wannabes who can't hold down a good job, its that true? 

Just Curious,
Kyle "the yellow dart" Smith 

 Dear Kyle
 First off you need to stop being such a pussy and letting your mother tell you what to do.  I've been living
with my mom for 35 years and haven't let her push me around ONCE!  As far as ITR goes, most of them
can not only hold down a good job, but they can hold you down while they beat your whiney little punk 
ass for asking such a lame question.

          Buck

Dear Buck,

First of all, I'd like to say "Welcom Aboard"! Now that you have your own space on our website, maybe you'll lighten up with the reviews? We can all be friends right?
I've been mulling over the things you said to me at River City Saloon last weekend, and I've decided that you may have a point. A fat sweaty 40 year old in khaki shorts probably doesn't scream Rock & Roll. I've decided to improve my Rock & Roll image.

My question is this:
What do you think would make me look cooler? Tattoos, or piercings? I was thinking I might get Scott Laroq's face on my forearm, or maybe just get something pierced.
Do you have any advice as to what I should get, and or where?? What would release the rawker inside of me??? 

Phalex Von Porklipps

Dear Loser,
There is no Rocker inside of you.  For Gods sake you are 40 years old.  You are nearly as pathetic as that stupid drummer you insist on keeping in your band.  All you guys are just trying desperately to keep up with the ever so cool lead singer you just hired to try and SAVE YOUR DYING BAND.  You are all so sickening it boggles even my advanced state of mind.  Do yourself a favor and join a band that plays polkas and line dance favorites.  Or maybe dollar dances or a Bee Gees Medleys.  At least then you won't be in a position to try and look cool.  And a bowtie might not be something you should dismiss quite so quickly.  You may be surprised at how it affects the ladies....... They figure that if you will wear that... YOU WILL DO ANYTHING.

lovingly yours,

Buck