Phalex Vön Pörklipps was born on the southeast side of Grand Rapids amid the turbulence of the mid-sixties. His Father, a prominent custodian in the public schools system would supplement his income by playing the saw with a local jug band. It was at one of these performances that Phalex's parents first met.
Details of Phalex's early years are sketchy. The time was mostly spent living in the boiler room of the middle school, and are described as being happy times. Evenings would find the Vön Pörklipps family lounging by the boilers listening to Mr. Vön Pöklipps' virtuosity on the saw between shifts of shoveling coal into the ever hungry boiler fires. Thus, young Phalex's love of music was kindled and fed, much like the ever present glow of the fires his father kept burning day and night. One afternoon, while digging through the dumpster behind the Mighty Mini searching for discarded porn magazines and perhaps a box of expired Oreo's, young Phalex made the discovery that changed his life forever. Instead of the previous months copies of Cheri or Oui, Phalex discovered a broken guitar beneath the festering garbage. He ran home to the boiler room with his discovery right away. Using his saw, an empty bucket of roofing tar and other sundry items pilfered from the middle school, Phalex's father was able to repair the instrument that was to become his son's obsession. The resulting conglomeration of salvaged parts was big and ungainly. The neck turned out to be a little too long, and it only had four strings. The "strings" were in fact fashioned from the steel wire used to repair the chain link fence encircling the perimeter of the school building and were of a size unheard of in any musical instrument. The next several years were blissful according to Vön Pörklipps. He would spend hours playing his new instrument, sometimes accompanying his father on the saw, or "Trading Fours" with the constant ticking of the hot boilers. In time, Phalex grew to be the man he is today. After moving out of the boiler room, he supported himself largely by standing outside of downtown business' and playing music to the passing throngs of people, almost always in the company of "A bunch of dirty, unwashed hippies." It was during one of these impromptu jam sessions that his "Axe" was confiscated and smashed by the police. Eventually, Phalex puchased the instrument that most closely resembled the one that he had so tragically lost. He has been playing the bass guitar ever since. One day, while doing a stint in the county jail on vagrancy charges, Phalex made the acquaintance of a mysterious man who simply went by the name of "Drumzilla". They spent many late nights, Phalex plucking the springs beneath the thin thread bare mattress as Drumzilla would tap out intricate rhythms on the stainless steel commode that was also the primary source of their drinking water. After the ensuing riot caused by their fellow prisoners disdain for what was actually extremely cool and well played music, the pair was expelled from the penal system in an attempt to restore order. "I don't know what their problem is." Vön Pörklipps later said. "Those inmates were like idiots or something." "They were just far to stupid to appreciate the groove we were laying down." Today the duo, along with the rest of the nefarious group calling themselves "In The Red" impose their superior musical tastes on the public at large, and even manage on occasion to get paid for these offenses. |
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